Leaving on a Navy boat.

2006-01-10T10:46:00.000-08:00

He came home for Christmas. Nothing was taken for granted. He hugged me tighter and kisses lingered. I hung on his every word. The reunion was unlike anything I've ever experienced. I missed him lots, but if he hadn't left, I wouldn't get to feel this. Everything's new again. There's always praise.

2005-12-20T02:57:00.000-08:00

38 hours to go. There aren't words for the way I feel. I wondered why no one warned me about the last few weeks. It's because there just aren't words. I can't wait and I'm scared to death. Time stands still. Will morning ever come?

2005-12-14T01:14:00.000-08:00

It's been a while. Jeff received his orders for Virginia and I've been processing my thoughts. We have to be there by Feb. 21st - thats just 11 days after the wedding. I didn't think we'd be leaving so soon, but after much thought, I've decided that it's good. It solves our housing issues here, and it really marks the start of our married life. After hearing the news, I was sad for a few days. I was reading through Jeff's blog and was reminded of all the ways that God's brought him to where he is. Then the revelation hit. The Navy doesn't decide where we go or when. We're going to Virginia because that's where we're supposed to be, and we're arriving there 11 days after the wedding because that's when we're supposed to be there. God's in control, and He has been all along. Who am I to say that His plan isn't good?

One word. Fireflies.

2005-12-07T15:03:00.000-08:00

My heart feels like it's going to burst. I'm surprised I'm still in my skin. Jeff got his cell phone today. He called this morning to see if it was working. I sent him a text message, and he replied. I can let him know that I love him whenever I want. I'm so overjoyed.

2005-12-06T20:04:00.000-08:00

My family went to get a Christmas tree on Sunday. It's a big deal. We drive to the mountains and take hot chocolate and candy canes. My grandpa and my aunts and uncles and cousins all go. We walk around in the freezing cold looking at a million trees for about an hour until we finally find the perfect ones. That's the girls' job. Then, the boys cut the trees down and carry them to the cars while we get the lunch ready. It happens like that every year. And every year, they play A Charlie Brown Christmas on TV. I'm watching it right now. All of this holiday business, as much as I love it, makes me miss Jeff more. I'm glad he's coming home for Christmas.
He said he'd call last night, but I didn't hear from him. Surprisingly, I wasn't super disappointed. That whole not expecting anything really does work. He called tonight, and I was so happy to hear his voice. He hasn't been able to call much since he became a candi-o - added responsibility or something. He'll be home two weeks from tomorrow. I can't wait.

2005-12-04T01:22:00.000-08:00

I miss him...

2005-12-01T11:03:00.000-08:00

It's raining pretty hard outside - hard enough to hear the tapping on the roof. And it's cold. How much would I like a fire in the fireplace, a movie, and cup of hot cocoa, a giant blanket, and a Jeff and Charlie to snuggle with! The only thing I'm missing is the Jeff, but that makes all the difference.

2005-11-30T19:21:00.000-08:00

Jeff and I e-mailed each other a lot at the beginning of our relationship. I spent a while reading through them tonight. They're so sweet. He's amazing. There are e-mails from when he went home for thanksgiving 4 years ago and we were apart for a few days (maybe a week, at the most). Most of them end with "I miss you!". Those words have a whole new meaning now. It's different. Maybe that's why military wives hang out together. There's this understanding - not just people saying "oh that must be hard" or "yeah, my husband went away on a business trip once for a week" - but a true understanding.

2005-11-29T04:53:00.000-08:00

It's almost 5 am and I'm still up. I'm pretty sure Jeff somehow gave me his sinus infection and bronchitis. I haven't been sleeping much lately, so I decided to try to make my sleeping patterns more regular. I try to go to bed at the same time every night (11) and get 8 hours of sleep. I got in bed at 11 tonight and finally at 4:30, I was done just laying here. I was supposed to teach tomorrow (today - in 3 hours) but obviously that's not happening. Time for some Nyquil.

Jeff finds out his class rank and his job today. He has his last exam. Then he becomes a candidate officer. He's getting closer to the end every day.

2005-11-25T16:52:00.000-08:00

He didn't call because after he got off, he went to Medical. He has a sinus infection and bronchitis. One of the many maybe's. They gave him some medication - special military kind, so he should be getting better pretty fast. I went to disneyland yesterday with my family (My aunt and 2 of my cousins) for thanksgiving. I haven't been there without Jeff in 4 years. It's crazy how you can be surrounded by lots of people - even people who love you - and still feel lonely. I was on the phone with Jeff today and he said his parents are shipping him his cell phone as soon as they get back, and that he's encouraged to keep it on him at all times. I started crying when I heard him say that. I'll actually be able to call - whenever I want! (I probably won't. He won't be able to answer all the time, and I wouldn't want to interrupt anything, but it's a huge comfort knowing that I could call.) I miss him so much. 25 more days.

2005-11-23T23:09:00.000-08:00

Jeff said he'd call today and I didn't hear from him. It takes effort to remember that he isn't in control of anything. I have to remind myself that he wants to call but can't, not that he can call but doesn't. He was supposed to have a half day today and then be off for Thanksgiving, all the way through Sunday. Maybe they didn't secure or he didn't pass his test. Maybe he's at Ross' and couldn't get to a phone. Maybe they went out to a movie. Maybe I shouldn't think about the maybe's because there are a million of them. I miss him, and I long to hear his voice. I decided this past week has been harder because tomorrow is Thanksgiving and he's gone. 27 more days...

2005-11-21T22:04:00.000-08:00

Yeah. Jeff's still gone. He comes home in a month. 30 days from today. The past week has been another hard one - not sure why. I miss him.

2005-11-19T22:53:00.000-08:00

I missed his call again tonight - 3rd time in a row. This time, I was taking a final that went long (over a half an hour long to be exact). :( I hate this.

2005-11-18T21:32:00.000-08:00

I missed his phone call again tonight. I was in class, and there was a girl presenting. Normally, if he calls in class, I open my phone to answer it, then walk outside before saying hi. I didn't want to be rude, so I got up, walked out, and tried to answer it, but my voice mail picked up .025 seconds too early. Yesterday, he called while I was in the restroom and I missed his call by a good 30 seconds. I stayed outside for a few minutes hoping he would call right back and give me another chance, but he didn't. After school, I stopped at marianne's, got a milkshake and took a stroll down the beach. (Yes, I'm sick, drinking a milkshake, and walking in the cold, wet sand at 9:00 at night.) The water was freezing. I can't wait for this to be over.

2005-11-18T02:36:00.000-08:00

It's 2:30 and I can't sleep. Jeff's awake right now, getting ready for his day. Soon, he'll be putting on his beanie and gloves to do PT. He said it would below freezing this morning. My weather widget says it's 36. I miss him more and more as time goes on. I've found ways to occupy my time, and get my mind off him, and so in that sense, it's easier. But as every day passes, I realize how long it's been since I've seen him. He comes home in 33 days, but that isn't soon enough. Thanksgiving's going to be sad.

My heart still hurts.

2005-11-11T21:29:00.000-08:00

It's been a while. My computer's in the shop. The logic board or something. It was supposed to be finished today but the part wasn't shipped - I don't know. Happy Veterans Day. Jeff starts week 7 on Sunday. Getting closer...

2005-11-05T22:13:00.000-08:00

This was a good week. I went to LA to see U2 with Jeff's friend, Roy. I stayed with Jeff's family and slept in his bed. We decided on a wedding date, and it's coming up fast - less than 100 days. We're working on a contract with the grand island mansion. I'm sad that Jeff isn't here for this. I know that he could care less about what kind of cake we have (just as long as we have one so we can cut it with his sword), but it's not quite as exciting with him being gone.
Jeff continues to sound better and better. I got another letter from him today. They'll be candi-o's in 3 weeks. Today, they went into town and participated in a 5k. He said they had 3 classes (about 100 people) and completed the run in formation while calling cadance the entire time. Afterwards, their class team wanted to show them off, so he had them do PT (push ups and such) in the middle of the street near the finish line. He said that everyone was cheering them on, and when they crossed the finish line, people were clapping for them. After that, some of his friends went to the mall and had dinner out. Jeff said that people are constantly thanking them for their service. I'm proud of him (and I get to see him in 45 days!).

2005-10-30T21:39:00.000-08:00

I talked to Jeff for a good 20 minutes yesterday and he called to say hi twice today. He also said he'd call tomorrow night. And the night after that. And the night after that. :) I love him.

2005-10-27T23:29:00.000-07:00

This week's been hard. I don't when I'll get to talk to Jeff next, but tomorrow it will be a full week since I've heard his voice.

I went to Reno today with some friends from a military wives forum. We went out to eat and the first thing all of us did was pull out our cell phones and set them on the table. We looked at each other and just started laughing. It was nice to be with people who understand and actually know what it feels like to miss someone so much.

Jeff had his RLP today. It was their biggest (and probably most stressful) inspection. A lot rested on it. He said he would call if he passed. I didn't get a phone call. After about 7:30 I resigned to the fact that he wasn't going to call and that he failed. When I got home from Reno, I opened up my e-mail and there it was. HE PASSED! I was so excited. One thing this experience has taught me about the navy is that if I expect something, I end up disappointed. Since I wasn't counting on Jeff passing, I wasn't disappointed when he didn't call. Then, when I found out he did pass, I was so happy for him.

He'll be able to call more often now. Oh how I love him.

2005-10-24T23:04:00.000-07:00

I miss him. My heart hearts.

2005-10-19T16:33:00.000-07:00

Jeff is busy. One week from tomorrow, he has RLP inspections. He's mentally exhausted. He's studying and memorizing insane amounts of information in a very short time so well that he can recite it verbatim under crazy amounts of stress. He's writing quizes for his class to make sure they all pass, too. He's hairspraying PT shorts so they fold into 4'' by 4'' squares. He's shining his boots and attempting to keep mud off of his running shoes. He's sleeping on the floor so he doesn't ruin his perfectly made bed. He's physically exhausted from doing PT at 5 am, when he had to stand watch from 2 am to 4 am the night before. And before that, he had the 12:00am-2:00am shift. Sleep is a precious commodity that at the moment, he's just not getting. I'm sure life is hard.
And yesterday, he sent me flowers.
It's hard to comprehend how much he loves me and how blessed I am to have him.

2005-10-16T13:53:00.000-07:00

Jeff called yesterday. They were on holiday schedule because it was the Navy's birthday. We talked for a good long 20 minutes. That's the longest I've talked to him in over 6 weeks. Today, he called again and we talked for 40 minutes. Another record. I love the phone calls. I hear change in his voice. He said he's more confident now because he has to yell everything, and when you're yelling something, you better be right, or you get beaten. I can hear it - his confidence. I'm excited to see who he's becoming. Some days I think it's getting easier and other days I'm just sad. Today is an easier day, but he did just call.

2005-10-13T00:29:00.000-07:00

Jeff prays every night at 22:00 Central Time, which is 8:00pm here in CA. He asked if I would join him, and now, I'm inviting YOU! Pray with us!

2005-10-12T14:00:00.000-07:00

Mail is an amazing thing. I write something, pay 37 cents and a few days later, it's in his hands! I wish travel were that easy. Jeff has sent a few letters, and they're always the highlight of my day. This last letter read:
"I've been finding comfort in Psalm 31, especially verses 14 and 15 ..."But I trust in You, Lord; I say 'You are my God, the course of my life is in Your power...'". It Keeps me going knowing that He put me here and He'll do with me what He wants. He's been faithful thus far and I'll keep trusting in Him. Keep writing and praying. Your letters encourage me and keep me motivated."

I re-read every letter he sends so many times. I have one that I still haven't opened. He told me to space the letters out, as he isn't sure how often he'll be able to send them. I miss him, but it's so good to know that he's doing well.

2005-10-04T18:09:00.000-07:00

Jeff classed up today and I couldn't be happier. He called and he's so excited. He knows this week will be tough - probably even the hardest, but at least THIS week has purpose, unlike the last 4 weeks. I'm so proud of him. Days are getting better, still. Jeff sent me flowers today and I cried when I read the note, but they were more like happy tears than sad I miss him tears. We're finalizing wedding dates, and I've spent lots of time focused on that. So yeah, things are getting better.

2005-10-04T18:07:00.000-07:00

Jen: Do write letters every day. Get up and get dressed before 10, even if you don't have to. Go see a movie by yourself, even if everyone else will think you're a loser. Concentrate on the wedding, and do your homework.

2005-10-02T22:52:00.000-07:00

Jen: Whatever you do, don't sit around listening to love songs reading reading depressing letters. Don't pull out the napkin he handed you the day you met, and remember how much of a nerd you thought he was. And don't read all the letters he's ever written you. While all this suff may make you smile for a short time, it only makes you even more sad ten minutes later when you have to put all the stuff back in a box and remember that he's 3,000 miles away.

2005-09-26T13:23:00.000-07:00

I missed Jeff's phone call last night. By about a minute. My phone was on vibrate because it was loud and I didn't think I'd be able to hear it. I realized it wasn't touching me, so I looked down and it said i missed his call. I checked the message and he left it a minute before i picked up my phone. It was very sad.
I also went to the park yesterday. I saw married ducks and birds flying together and people holding hands and I was even more sad.
I got a letter from him today. It was a very sad letter.
Needless to say, today is not one of the better days.

2005-09-20T01:18:00.000-07:00

I heard from him last night. He said he got rolled. Which means held back a class. So instead of his 12 weeks starting last week, they’ll start on october first. Since he starts so late, his class will break for the holidays and resume for week 12 the first week of jan. He only has one week after that. Logically, they should have started a week early so they can be done by the holidays. Now, he has to take leave if he wants to go home. He graduates Jan 6th, if he doesn’t roll again, or some other unforeseen circumstance happens. He may not be able to start at intel school when he was going to because of this setback. I don’t know what’s going on with our wedding date. It doesn’t matter though. Right now, he needs to get through OCS and we can figure the rest out later. With these extra 3 weeks, he’ll be much better prepared for OCS. He knows the routine. He knows how to eat, he knows his teachers, he’s been around. He has more time to focus on studying and not worrying about his family or me wanting to spend time with him. He has a head start, and I’m sure that will make life easier. I don’t think I get to go to the navy ball, but that isn’t such a big deal, there will plenty of dining outs and balls later.
Hearing his voice last night was amazing. I don’t think it’s ever sounded so good in my entire life. He said that he’ll try to call tonight. Knowing when I get to talk to him next helps. I have a million questions for him. I also found out that he hasn’t gotten any of my mail yet. They’re not supposed to have mail priviledges the first week, but since he hasn’t started yet, I think they should pass it on anyway.

*edit* He did call tonight and I got to spend a good amount of time talking to him. I definately forgot all my questions at the sound of his voice. It makes me melt. I love him so much. He sounded better, calmer. He got some of my letters today. He said he opened one of them, but kept the rest, just in case they keep mail from him at some point. I think I'm going to write little tiny letters with just a sentence or two on them and include them in his other letters, so if he ever just needs a little note, he can open those.

It's also good to know that the reality of it is that they really do want him to succeed. They'll keep him there as long as it takes or until he gives up. That's pretty amazing, that they won't give up with him. He said he'd be able to call twice a week or so, which is so exciting!

2005-09-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

While I was mostly optimistic yesterday, Jeff was supposed to be able to call this morning and I haven't heard from him. I'm not really sure what that means, if they just didn't have phone priviledges, or what. Its been over a week and I miss him. This may also mean that I won't get to hear from him until next Sunday and that makes me sad.

2005-09-17T11:22:00.000-07:00

It wasn't true. The whole week was just hard. It's officially been one week since I've had any sort of contact with Jeff. I've been sending letters every day, but he can't receive mail yet. The worst part was seeing a car like his and thinking for a split second that it was him, then coming to the realization that he's 3000 miles away and I haven't heard from him in a week.
Today, however, things got better. I found this website last night, which pretty much walks you through the entire OCS process, almost day by day. http://heathalvarez.com/hobbies/ocs.html It said that today, the Saturday after week one, is the hardest day for them. I'm not worried about jeff. I know he can do it. I've seen his determination, and he's passionate about the Navy. But I know it's going to be hard. So I've been in this constant dialogue with God about it - complaining about how much I miss him, wondering why this was God's plan, being sad. But today, it's all been about Jeff and what he's doing today.
Then I got to thinking about the ways in which God has arranged all of this. First of all, I'm in Santa Cruz. I needed to get out of Sacramento. This week, I did hardly anything. I watched TV. I never watch TV. My homework didn't get done. I couldn't find motivation anywhere. And then I had to come to school. I stayed with Elizabeth last night and we went out for food and hung out. I got up early, wrote to Jeff, and went to a coffee place that has wifi. I needed the change, and by arranging school so I come here every weekend, God made it happen.
The day I got home from the airport, I moved out of my apartment abruptly and slightly unexpectedly. It was pretty lonely there - which is ironic because it's across the street from church. I moved home into a house with my step dad who teases me, my mom who makes me food, and my brother who in his own strange way loves me. It's a busy house. I like it that way.
When I look for Him, I see God in all of this. He's been planning for a while, and knows what I need. Lots of things in the past few weeks have been leading up to this. I am where He wants me, even though Jeff isn't here. The best part is that I'm in constant prayer. I still miss him, but realizing all this makes it easier.

Yeah.

2005-09-08T12:39:00.000-07:00

Jeff left this morning. Saying goodbye at the airport was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I've been told today is the hardest day. Hopefully that's true.

I lied.

2005-04-23T20:24:00.000-07:00

I said I'd update again when Jeff heard back for sure and had a date, but I didn't. His final select, while great, was expected. Jeff's original date was for June, even though he said he wouldn't be available until August. He talked to Master Chief and got his date changed for early September, so we'll still be able to continue with our summer plans. It was much easier than expected, and a pleasant surprise since all along we never expected anyone to bend over backwards (or even move a finger) to work things out for us. I guess when you don't expect anything, you can't be disappointed, and if something does get done, it's considered a blessing.
I attended Jeff's swearing in ceremony a few months ago and met his recruiters, all of whom were very nice and more than happy to have me there.
Today, there was a barbecue for all the delayed entry officer candidates. First, they did PRTs and we ate afterwards. The invitation said friends and family were welcome, so my mom and I went. Once again, all the recruiters were extremely welcoming and glad to have us, even my mom. They treated me like family, even though I'm not yet, even to the point where they were giving Jeff a hard time for not having a ring on my finger yet. It's good for him, he needs to get that kind of harassment from somewhere. :)
It was my first time ever on a military base, and even though Travis isn't navy, it was good to see. There was a mall, movie theater, bowling alley, schools. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it sure wasn't that. Everything was very new; the fitness center was huge. What surprised me most was the school. I knew that bases overseas had elementary schools, but I thought that bases here would send their kids out to schools in the local community. It makes more sense to have them all in one place, and it probably makes the transition from school to school easier when there are plenty of other kids who completely understand what it's like to move often.
I'm glad I went today. It's nice that I get to be with Jeff through the entire process from the very beginning.

I guess it's time again...

2004-12-08T16:47:00.000-08:00

So, I've been hanging out at OCS and Military sites and I have to say that I've learned a lot in the past 2 months. Mostly, I've learned about waiting. There's lots of it. We even have to wait to find out how long we'll be waiting. Next, I learned that "sea tour" does not equal 2 years on a ship. Silly me, I know. Apparently there are these things called "bases" where people live. I'm not really sure what I thought, but I was pretty sure that Jeff was going to be living on a ship during the whole tour. So that eased my concerns quite a bit. Then, I've been finding out about all of the little perks. Navy Lodges! Cheap air fair! Tax Free shopping! Free housing! I'm warming up to the idea of the Navy, and I have to say that I am a little excited about Jeff being a man in a uniform. I'll survive the 3 months of OCS (and hopefully he will too). Well, here I go, to wait some more. I'll update again when Jeff hears for sure and has a date.

He got the call...

2004-10-18T01:31:00.000-07:00

I've been avoiding this but I guess it's time. I found out 2 weeks ago that Jeff was pro rec'ed for intel. Now, I'm not down with all the navy lingo, but from my understanding, this means that he's not IN - in, but that if everything goes smoothly, there's a 99% chance that he's going to OCS in August. He doesn't have a date yet, but I'm counting down the months. So far, when people hear the news, their reaction goes something like this: "wow, 2 years on a ship, thats a long time." or "that's gonna be hard." - as if I haven't thought about the fact that my best friend's leaving for a prolonged amount of time, or better yet, as if I think I'm going to have a great time with him gone. I know that they all have good intentions, but that doesn't change the fact that it's going to suck - a lot. The running joke is that we don't talk about it when I'm in his presence. When I walk up, conversation about the navy ceases. I haven't processed it much farther than that yet. I dont know what I'll be doing in the mean time - working, going to school, hanging out at camp, working with my church here. Right now there are a lot of options. Whatever it is though, I'll be trying to keep myself busy.

The waiting.

2004-08-27T09:59:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted yet mostly because posting makes it real. It means I'm accepting the fact that he's going to leave and I'm going to be lonely. When people ask him about it and I'm within earshot, I jokingly say that I don't want to hear about it. That's not necessarily true. I do. Just not yet. Not until it's final. Not until the board has accepted him. And maybe not even until he has a date.